True Love in a Bottle

On how being alone for Valentine’s Day gave her the clarity about true love. For our first contributor piece, Sophia Green, can’t put down the bottle… of apple cider vinegar that is.


T
he best part about my Valentine’s this year was discovering that, like every romcom heroine in her quest for true love, it was right in front of me the whole time! After drowning in a puddle of my own tears upon realizing my immutable lovelessness, it dawned on me that the only stable relationship in my life is apple cider vinegar. You can read the PhD. psychologist-approved relationship therapy books, or you can AVC. You can go to your physician for antibiotics, or you can AVC. You can buy facial toner, or you can AVC. It’s like that Michael Jackson song: “AVC, easy as 1, 2, 3!”

I am the human equivalent of those cheap SEO websites that say it’s the cure for cancer. I can also personally attest to the fact that apple cider vinegar is the cure to being a Cancer. Some people collect fine wines. I collect fine apple cider vinegars. I will drink it with the mother, without the mother, raw and unfiltered, all natural or blended, by the gallon or by the ounce… The AVC porno writes itself!

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What are the benefits of this miracle drink, you may ask? Like any good self-respecting Martin Gardner mathematical puzzle, I leave that as an exercise for the reader. Ask not what AVC can do for you, but rather, what you can do for AVC! You can make a kombucha by stirring in acai and grapes, you can cuddle with your favorite bottle, you can curate an entire shelf, you can get ready for your close-up with a Swanson, you can mix a Delouis Fils with a Maille or drink a Braggs on the rocks. The possibilities are limitless! Nothing comes between me and my AVC.

Everyone will tell you there is no such thing as a perfect partner. However, there is one in the form of AVC. A memorable romance is bittersweet, medicinal, and sometimes makes you froth at the mouth. That’s why we call it puppy love, stupid! Of course, after the honeymoon period fades, it’s easy to become disillusioned with our partner. Not so when your partner specifically helps remove rusty buildup. What about when relationships grow stale and overly familiar? Luckily, a healthy marinade in AVC can always enhance and refresh the flavor.

I once was lost, but now I’m found. Was blind but now I see. Forget the “Marry Yourself” TED Talk variety, you will never worry about your finances when you are married to AVC.

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